I’m going to vent, because well- I need to. I’ve recently been really stressed out and I saw a décor sign while I was shopping that just fit my situation perfectly.
“You can do anything, but not everything.”
shit. Excuse the language. But how true is that?
I really wish sometimes that I wasn’t such an anxious, neurotic person. I wish I could just be Zen and chill, and go with the flow. I wish I didn’t have to plan and over think. I wish I didn’t have to constantly feel like a fixer. Oh this looks wrong, let me fix it.
Note to self: Hey Michelle, this actually doesn’t concern you- butt out!
But I am who I am. I do believe people can change, but only so much. Certain lessons and learned habits are just ingrained in our brains. And others are tattooed along the way. I’ve been trying to realize that the fact that I care so much, doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’m an empathetic person and being able to see things from both sides, is a great quality. It’s a human quality. But sometimes having to always see things from other people’s perspectives can really be exhausting. Because quite frankly, I don’t always feel like people give me the same courtesy. But then my soul kicks me in the ass, and I think about what God would do and what he would say. I have a feeling it would go a little like the “Oh so just because they do this, you think its ok for you to do this?” And the truth is no, it’s not ok. But sometimes you just do it anyway. Because you need to. Because your fed up, because you’ve had enough. Because the others shouldn’t be able to get away with it- All. The. Time. Sometimes the tit for tat feeling, feels good. A lot of the times it feels good for a second and then it feels really shitty. I hate it. I like to be liked. I like to make people happy. I hate confrontation. I hate awkward situations and tension. I try to avoid it because it will just add to my anxiety and cause people to see me in a negative light. A light I try so hard to stay far away from. Because let’s be honest, we all care what people think. Some of us more than others. #Guilty. Tit for tat is not my style. I know who I am, and even though sometimes I lose that every now and then, I always find my way back home. The way to my true heart.
Now that I’ve vented and ranted, here’s a poem. 😉
Like a tea kettle just before it begins to whistle.
Like nails on a chalk board.
Like a child’s face before they throw themselves into a tantrum.
Like a doormat who has had countless pairs of shoes wiped across it.
Like ocean waves- 10 feet high.
Like the tears we cry when we lose our minds.
Like the worst body tension you could ever imagine.
Like a gas bubble that traps itself in your chest.
Like the anxiety you feel in a crowded elevator.
Like the eggshells that break even with the slightest breath.
The want to be everything to everyone.
It’s a failure before it even starts.
Because how much can you give of yourself?
Who is that selfless? Can we be that selfless?
Who is that void of anxiety?
How do we leave sanity for ourselves?
Can I scream into the wind?
Or cry into a pillow?
Can I lift this weight?
Can I cast it up into the air and watch it turn into fairy dust and glitter?
Gold flecks. Everywhere.
Butterflies dancing in my hair.
Can I center my soul?
Walk through the broad, merciful, gold doors.
Sit silently still.
Find him, find where he lives in you.
He’s got you. He knows you. He’s with you.
Know your heart.
Know your person.
Act on it.
You got it kid.