Magic.

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Magic is something we understand as children.

A world of possibilities,

unlike any other.

Colorful.

Full of big dreams and twinkling stars, all within our reach.

All right at our fingertips.

A bolt like lightning in the sky.

So bright.

Fearless.

Free.

Freedom.

When the only thing that mattered was being a kid and having fun.

Playing outside.

“Making pretend.” 

It’s a shame we let life dim our lights as adults.

Leave a little glitter everywhere you go.

A little glistening never hurt anyone’s soul.

Sparkle- it doesn’t come with any age restrictions.

Be the unicorn this world needs.

Side note: So often we hear, “aren’t you a little too old for that?” We have these constraints put on ages- at [this age] you should be doing this, wearing this, saying this…who decided these things? As we approach adulthood, we silence our inner child at times. When really we should be embracing our childish moments. We should continue to dream without worry or fear of not being successful. and just continue to work hard at our goals and dreams. We should be mesmerized by the stars above, by the simple things like when you hear your old favorite song, or smell a scent that takes you back.

Nostalgia can be a tricky thing. We can get caught up in it, and forget to notice to present and the new journeys ahead. We idealize our pasts and believe our best days have been put behind us. I loved my childhood, I have many fond memories of growing up in the 90’s/00’s. But it wasn’t perfect, nothing ever is. Just like now isn’t perfect. But I’m approaching 30 [hey now, your only 27 girl, hush now! ;)] and they say that’s your prime. So cheers to that.

Believe in the magic, embrace your inner sparkle. Shine it for the world to see. Just because we are growing up and gaining more life responsibilities, does not mean we have to forget to laugh loud at silly jokes, play games, rock creative colorful outfits, or dance around to songs from decades past.

Magic comes in all shapes and forms, open your mind to it. Dream Big. And never stop. 

 

-<3-

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Fear of not being liked…

Hi all.

I don’t even know if anyone follows me closely enough here at michelle leigh writes to know or care that I’ve been gone for quite some time. But numbers, they don’t matter much to me. I know, that the universe will place my words into the lives of the people who need it, or who can relate to it. I have faith.

But it has been a while- a little over a month since my last post. I‘ve been overwhelmed with a lot of things lately, and just making my family and friends my priority.

But every now and then, the creative soul in me starts to feel neglected. My writer’s hand, starts to twitch. That being said, I’ve felt this way for quite a bit, but yet every time I try to sit and write something, nothing suitable comes. It’s either too personal, or I don’t get past the first few words. Night after night has gone by and I struggle with the typical creative soul dilemma- do I write something, anything, to just have something to post. Or do I wait until it’s what I want. Wait until it’s “perfect.” But we all know how that goes. 

So I’m coming to you now, with a little bit of honesty and self reflection. I’ve noticed I’ve been struggling with something for quite some time. For probably my whole life. So I thought I’d share.

I have this need to please people. To be liked, by everyone. I understand that is unrealistic, but it’s my truth. The idea of someone talking about me in a negative way causes me incredible anxiety. I’m an anxious person to begin with. I’m a sensitive personality. I take EVERYTHING to heart. I constantly question myself, I overanalyze everything I say, or do. And it is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m not perfect, sometimes I snap at people for no good reason, sometimes I over react. Sometimes I say things without thinking. The list goes on. And it’s not intentional, it’s human. 

It makes me angry that I feel like I have to fit into this box. Other people’s version of perfection. I care so much about what other people think. And because of that I think that hinders, my ability to let myself grow and become the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. It makes me question myself, why I do what I do, if I do it because I genuinely want to or because I feel like it’ll make me look or be perceived a certain way. Or something even more simpler, I won’t wear a certain thing, in fear that someone will judge it or make fun of me for it. I won’t chime into a conversation if I feel like someone will question me or judge what I have to say. I hate confrontation. The idea of someone getting hurt because of me, pains me more than when I get hurt myself. Because I know what it’s like to feel hurt and I am empathetic sometimes to a fault. I am constantly apologizing for being myself. And I just don’t feel like that’s ok. People are not perfect. I am not perfect. 

I don’t necessarily know why I am this way. I guess its just the way I’m wired. But I can’t seem to shake it. And it SUCKS. Sometimes it’s too overwhelming and I criticize myself into an anxious mess. 

At the root of everything, at the core, in my heart I know I have so much potential. I know I can do so much more than I am doing. I know I’m still discovering the dreams I hold deep in my heart. I know I’m a good hearted person just trying my best to get through each day. I’ve been fearful, I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been anxious and not wanting to change. I’ve been scared to disappoint people or hurt people’s feelings. I’ve been human.  

Usually I end these rants with some silver lining, some hopeful anecdote. Some kind of pep talk. But this is something I am still struggling with, I can’t undo this in a day, a month, or even a year. This is something I need to continuously work on. And I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else struggles with this too?

Do you have to be liked by everyone? How do you react to confrontation?

-<3-

 

 

 

Hi, I’m still here…

People, people, people…how the heck are ya?

I can once again apologize for being MIA/inconsistent and follow it up with a whole “I’m back” spiel. But I just wouldn’t be telling the truth. I’ve been all over the place, I can’t even remember what I was doing  a few weeks ago. This year is flying by and I can’t even believe we are already in April.

There are many reasons for my inconsistencies here on this blog. I always attempt to stick to a Monday/Thursday post schedule, but now I’m lucky if I get one post up a week, I get really super duper lucky if I get two up even on any random two days. That’s kind of why you’ll see a random Sunday post pop up, or a Tuesday post sneak in. Because I just so happened to have some time to do it that day. To be honest, I haven’t been writing much at all. And I just realized how much I’ve missed it.

Needless to say, I still haven’t gotten back into it. I stand in front of a classroom asking students to write and trying to inspire their creativity and yet I feel like a hypocrite because I myself feel so uninspired.

In February I hit a slump. And it pretty much lasted all through March too. The goals and ideas I had in the beginning of the year went out the window, and the promises I made to myself soon became forgotten.

I guess you can say that’s normal right? We often leave our resolutions in the dust of the January’s left over glitter.

But this felt different.

It felt like I was just constantly going through the motions of what I had to do. Then I got hit with a period of time where I was sick on an off for weeks. First I was treated for a sinus infection. Then after a bunch of back and forth between my doctor and urgent care, I was finally treated for the flu (as a precaution) and strep throat. To say I was done was an understatement. I was taking so many different medications and constantly feeling like I wasn’t present, feeling like my chest was so heavy and like I couldn’t breathe right. I stayed in bed for most of my days. I was even sick for my 27th Birthday. Super fun. Side Note: My mom did make me a kick ass chicken and waffles dinner though, which I was happy I at least got to taste a little. On top of it all, mother nature decided to rain on my pity parade and grace me with her presence.

So I was a mess. I was emotional, I was sick, I didn’t feel well physically or mentally. And because of all of that my anxiety was in full force, I felt like I was going insane. I just didn’t feel like myself for weeks. I really felt like I was spiraling into this weird depression, where I felt like there was something really wrong with me. Soon enough I started to come out of it and even though I’m not 100% out of my funk, I can safely say I feel 100% better than I did a few weeks ago. It’s so crazy the things that your mind can put you through. I was so frustrated at how I was feeling, because I knew the rationality was that I was sick and on medication and dealing with lady problems (lol) and I knew it was just the combination that was making me feel funky. My brain kept telling me not to make such a big deal of it all. People get sick, you’ll be better in a week. But my anxiety turned it into so much more. 

I recently had off of work so I tried to cram a bunch of things into my week. Including meeting up with a few friends. And out of all the ladies that I spoke with, we all were feeling the same way. Stressed, anxious, unlike ourselves. And it got me thinking…you are never alone in what you feel. There is always someone who has felt or is feeling what you have/are feeling. 

When you deal with anxiety, you become this prisoner in your own mind. As my friend put it, you start to live in your head. And although the mind is a beautiful, powerful thing, it can also be something that can literally break you down and tear you apart because it’s so powerful.

So that brings me to my next point. Seasonal depression is a thing.

Seasonal Depression is also known as –Seasonal affective disorder– A mood disorder characterized by depression that occurs at the same time every year.

*Usually self-diagnosable
*Symptoms include: fatigue, depression, hopelessness, and social withdrawal.
*People may experience:
Mood: anxiety, apathy, general discontent, loneliness, loss of interest, mood swings, or sadness
Sleep: excess sleepiness, insomnia, or sleep deprivation
Whole body: appetite changes or fatigue
Behavioral: irritability or social isolation
Also common: depression, lack of concentration, or weight gain

And when it comes to the Winter season (especially in New York) you can gather how many people may be experiencing this. It stays cold and dark out longer, there’s less opportunities to go out and experience sunlight. Often people stay in doors to avoid the cold temperatures or the snow. You know the snow that falls in March and April when it should be Spring. And your social life becomes sullen. Your left with isolation at times and if you deal with anxiety- your worry sets in and you begin to drown in your racing thoughts. Not to mention that NY whether is so unpredictable that you could be thinking Spring is right around the corner, wearing light jackets and then it snows and you need a winter coat again in a day.  That’s enough to put anyone’s body in shock and confusion. Not to mention that the flu season this year has been atrocious. EVERYONE has been getting sick. Gosh, I really thought I was going to escape it, I usually have a strong immune system. But in general my anxiety has peeked these past few months and I imagine that left me a little more susceptible. Never the less, I am slowly, but surely coming out of my funk, and I am finally starting to feel like myself again, and it is time I try to manage my time wisely.

So I won’t make any promises here. I am actually going to just say now that the Monday/Thursday schedule is on hold for now. I will try my best to at least post once a week. I just have a lot going on with weddings, and showers, and family and work and I realize I can’t always be perfect at doing it all at once. And that’s okay. We all could benefit from giving ourselves a little grace at times. At the end of the day, you can only try your best.

But as I said before, I do miss writing, so I’m hoping to make it more of a priority for me. 

Talk soon.

xo Michelle 

-<3-

 

 

Happy Birthday Joy! (April 2, 2018)

Bethany Joy Lenz is one of my biggest inspirations. Not because she’s perfect, we all know that no one is perfect. But because she is real and she owns it. Her talent in acting, painting, fashion and above all else singing knows no bounds. She is a fierce female. 

The Fashion

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Acting

 

Singing

 

Painting (follow her art instagram @thelenzgallery)

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Happy Birthday Joy!

* I do not take credit for any images used.*

-<3-

 

 

For My Future Daughter

One day, I hope to be a mom, and I thought about what I would want to say to my own daughter. The advice I would give her. Here it is…                                                                                                              

 

                                                                                                                              March 19, 2018

Dear Sweet Girl,

I know life isn’t always going to be easy for you. I know jobs will be hard to find and boys will break your heart. And people you are close to will disappoint you at times. Myself included, sadly. No one is perfect.

If you are anything like me, I know insecurity will find you and you will have to fight to see the silver lining in every bad day. I know you will question your faith in times of pain and grief. And wonder what your true purpose is.

I know you may fight your anxiety everyday like I do and I also know that you can and you will win.

My hope is that you never have to deal with any of these hardships. That you are forever cast with a smile on your face. But living in this world, I know that is unfortunately an unrealistic notion. There will be bad days. There will be sad days.

I know that you will be so loved by so many, that you will feel like you have to always be good and “perfect.” To always say/do the right thing. Your self awareness and self consciousness will be both a weakness and a strength for you. But your heart is so big.

Just breathe my girl and you will get through it all-one foot at a time. One day at a time. Because you are a force to be reckoned with. You are your own heroine. The star of your own sold out show. You can be anything you want to be.

Never let anyone tell you different or try to dull the sparkle that surrounds your very soul. And please… never stop dreaming.

 

                                                                                                                               Love You Always,

                                                                                                                               Mom ❤  

Alexz Johnson.

Many of you may not know Alexz Johnson, but allow me to introduce you to her, she is an incredible talent.

Disney kids may recognize her from a Disney show- So Weird. Where as a young girl she played a character who dealt with strange almost supernatural occurrences. 

But when I hear her name a different show comes to mind- Instant Star.

Her red hair and punk rock style was EVERYTHING! And Even when she went blonde, I still thought she was the coolest thing! I always wanted her star ring! haha

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Instant Star was a Canadian television program which aired from September 15, 2004 to June 26, 2008- 4 seasons. The series starred Alexz Johnson as adolescent music competition winner Jude Harrison. The show chronicles Harrison’s experience in the recording industry whilst focusing on character development. The program began to air on CTV in Canada prior to being picked up by Viacom-owned teen network channel The N, now TeenNick, in the United States. The show became the second most popular program on The N with Degrassi: The Next Generation, a Canadian show also produced by Schuyler and Stohn, ranking as most popular.          -Wikipedia 

Show Summary: At age 15, Jude Harrison (played by Alexz Johnson) won a national singer/songwriter talent search. With the overnight fame and the recording contract came some tough decisions. Now she’s more mature but still struggling with success and her often-problematic love life which just so happens to include balancing love trysts between her best friend Jamie- who’s had a crush on her for years, an asshole of a R&B singer Shay, and her older yet so gorgeous producer and former Boyz Attack boy band member Tom “Tommy Q” Quincy played by Tim Rozon.

Tommy was the one who takes up most of her time, and whom I “shipped” her with before shipping was even a thing. Tommy was 22 and Jude turned 16 in Season 1 putting him about 6 years older than Jude. But somehow they just had such a connection that you just forgive the inappropriate age gap- Age ain’t nothing but a number when it comes to these two. And you end up rooting for them. It’s super fun to watch the spunky teen give Tommy’s laid back (at times jealous) nature a run for his money. They have so many adorable moments in the studio while working on her albums. And the way they look at each other is just everything. Granted there was a TON of drama, and Tommy wasn’t always the best at handling his strong feelings for Jude. But the story was one I’ve always loved and thanks to YouTube I can re-watch it all over again. Start watching HERE!

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Sadly the show got cancelled and season 4 felt a bit like a rushed wrap up. Leaving Tommy Q with a broken heart. He proposed marriage on the brink of Jude’s career exploding and going international. She agreed but when it came time for them to ride off into the sunset together and for him to join her on her international tour, she declined. And chose to go alone. I get it, she was quite young and she needed to find her own way, and find herself. But after so many seasons of waiting for them to finally be together, it was very disappointing.

Needless to say they had some incredible moments, and the show left fans with some incredible music and opened my eyes to all that Alexz Johnson truly is. The music for the show, is so so good. The lyrics are amazing, the vocals are fire. Johnson has released many of her own material as well, since the show ended, and it’s amazing. Her voice is like a crisp, clear day. It cuts right through to your soul.

Check her stuff out- http://alexzjohnson.com/

Here are some of my favorite Tommy & Jude moments.

(Pardon the repeated scenes)

Tommy talking about how he wishes he could be with Jude, but she’s too young. Plus their first kiss.

“But if she was 21?” “Ohh in a spilt second.” AHHHHHHH I LOVE THIS!!!!

“There’s my look.”

“You know exactly why.”

“I want all of you, with me, forever….because I love you.” 

The kiss that made them reunite one last time!!!

Some of my favorite songs from the show are listed below. (Yes I own some of the soundtracks! That’s how much I loved the show and the music!) *You can listen to them all on YouTube or Spotify! Also check Alexz Johnson’s projects out on there too! I love the songs; Running with the Devil, Look At Those Eyes, Hunger Pains and Skipping Stone

24 Hours

Waste My Time

Let Me Fall

Skin (my absolute favorite*)

Time To Be Your 21

It Could Be You

Picking Up The Pieces

That Girl

My Sweet Time

Your Eyes

Anyone But You

Where Does It Hurt

I Don’t Know If I Should Stay

Don’t You Dare

How Strong Do You Think I Am

Natural Disaster

Liar Liar

I Still Love You

White Lines

2 a.m.

 

*I do not own any videos/images used.*

-<3-